The last several days have sparked a heap of discussion, both online and in my personal life. Overall, I’ve noticed many readers lumping what I’ve written into the so-called “purity culture.”
Before I continue, allow me to take a brief side-step. My intent is that this blog will reach a breadth of readers: in secular circles (like those over at Fight the New Drug and the NoFap community) and in faith-based circles (like The Porn Effect and Dirty Girls Ministries), among younger readers who grew up in the age of free internet pornography, as well as older readers who grew up in the age of playboy and adult video stores. Most of what I’ve said thus far has probably been best received by faith communities, while the secular world is much less convinced. I knew that going in, I still know that now, and I’m okay with it (for those who disagree with my viewpoint and are still reading, I sincerely thank you). However, what I’m about to say will probably have the opposite effect. So buckle your seat belts… it might be a bumpy ride.
“Purity Culture” (as it is often called by those who object), is a movement that places radical emphasis on virginity until marriage, hallmarked by purity rings, purity pledges, and purity balls (among many other things). It’s fairly popular among most Christian denominations, especially in youth and teen faith programs. Now wait for it…
PURITY CULTURE DOES SERIOUS SPIRITUAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE.
There. I said it. I’m a youth minister who thinks purity culture should stop. Now don’t anyone try and shoot me yet. Several qualifications accompany my statement. Considering this is a blog, you can’t really interrupt me, but read on, even if you think I’m crazy. (Unless your house is on fire. In that case, you should definitely ignore what I’m about to say. You’ve got bigger fish to fry. And by “fish” I mean your face. Unless you have a pet goldfish. Then he’s really going to be fried. If you’re still reading, you’re probably dead by now.)
There are more than a handful of bloggers who have vented their grievances on this topic (just type “purity culture” into Google and you’ll find them all), most coming from a liberal feminist perspective. This post ought to be different from the rest, as I believe the purity culture movement is good on intent but fails miserably on execution. Hopefully you’re willing to hear me out, regardless of what side of the coin you’re on.
For those who are already seething, take a deep breath. I still believe that sex should be saved for marriage. I don’t believe that sexual feelings outside of marriage should be quashed and tabooed. I still believe that you should be proud to be a virgin. I don’t believe that virginity makes you better than anyone else. I still believe that it’s good to commit to being free of extramarital sex, pornography, masturbation, etc. I don’t believe that falling in these areas makes you dirty, worthless, a failure, etc.
So let’s break this down:
Sex is beautiful – and awesome – and a gift.
If your marriage is great, I hope you two have lots of great sex. You’re married. It’s part of the package. Have fun. On the other hand, purity culture often makes sex out to be something disgraceful and obscene. Yes, I would use those words to describe pornography and prostitution, but not to describe the act of love that brought me into the world. Don’t exceed the bounds of my point, though.
“But you need experience before your wedding night!”
Yeah, that argument is pretty flimsy. Biologically speaking, the brain is clearly wired to desire sex. If it wasn’t, the human race wouldn’t exist. Considering that Google is only about 20 years old, Playboy is just over 60 years old, and most 15th century parents probably weren’t giving “the talk” in explicit how-to detail, we’ve done just fine so far. If an 11 year-old can figure out how to masturbate without it being explained, I think a 25 year-old can figure out how to get their body and their spouse’s body to fit together. It doesn’t take a medical degree.
“But then you won’t know what you like.”
Dude. That’s what your honeymoon is for. “Disneyland” is just a metaphor.
Okay, so back to the bottom line: psychological damage. Have you ever read The Giver by Lois Lowry? It’s one of my favorite dystopian novels. This is a brief excerpt from Chapter 5:
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“Jonas,” she said with a smile, “the feeling you described as the wanting? It was your first Stirrings. Father and I have been expecting it to happen to you. Very often… it begins with a dream.”
Jonas (age 12) and his mother then discuss the “treatment” for these “stirrings,” which involves taking a pill each day throughout his adult life until he becomes old.
Jonas felt oddly proud to have joined those who took the pills. For a moment, though, he remembered the dream again. The dream had felt pleasurable. Though the feelings were confused, he thought that he had liked the feelings that his mother had called Stirrings. He remembered that upon waking, he had wanted to feel the Stirrings again. Then, in the same way that his own dwelling slipped away behind him as he rounded a corner on his bicycle, the dream slipped away from his thoughts. Very briefly, a little guiltily, he tried to grasp it back. But the feelings had disappeared. The Stirrings were gone.
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This is a disturbing example of quashing the sexual feelings that arise during puberty, essentially forcing asexuality upon the human race. How shitty does that sound? Okay, so purity culture definitely doesn’t go to this extreme, but you can see the correlation. Jonas felt guilt at trying to re-grasp this dream of his, even with the help of his little pill (oh the irony). So what happens when children are taught that these feelings shouldn’t be felt? Shame. What happens when these feelings keep reoccurring? More shame. How about when they won’t go away, no matter how hard you try? Despair. If you think this reinforced association between sex and shame will magically break when he or she gets married, you’re wrong. Unfortunately, the brain doesn’t work that way. If it did, things like phobias and PTSD would be a lot less common. The proper response is not that children should act on these feelings. But that discussing and processing these feelings shouldn’t be off the table. If, as a parent, that makes you uncomfortable, then there’s some healing that needs to happen in your own life. Can you imagine what the world would be like if kids felt totally free to talk with their parents about sex?
Getting your worth from your virginity is as asinine as getting your worth from your sexuality; They both objectify.
The term “virgin” has long been used to describe someone who has never had sex, but the exact parameters of just what “sex” entails are hotly disputed. Some people hold to a more strict standard while others are a bit more flexible; Either way, most people defend their personal definition of virginity like I defend my morning cup of coffee (let me have my mug and nobody gets hurt). Here’s why I don’t really care whether or not you think you’re a virgin:
The topic of your virginity should be open discussion between you, your significant other, your doctor – and if you roll like me, God (depending on the circumstances, a counselor and/or spiritual director may be included on this list). Nobody else has a legitimate reason to know. And yet, we have driven ourselves to this relentless dichotomy between standing on a soapbox of virginity, cursing all the sexual heathens, and wearing the loss of virginity like a badge of honor, ridiculing anybody who might be less “experienced.” Being a virgin doesn’t make you better than anyone else. Not being a virgin doesn’t make you better than anybody else. In itself, striving for purity is objectively a good thing, but making a god out of purity is a distortion of that good. So what I’m really trying to say is…
Sidenote for the Christian/Catholic folk: “Virginity” as I am using it here is not to be confused with “virginity for the sake of the kingdom” as a vocational choice. Remaining pure for the extent of your life as a sacrifice to God and a reaching into Heavenly life is indeed a higher form of living, but here I am speaking of general biological virginity.
A “culture of purity” drives a culture of shame.
I swear that I’m not out to personally offend everyone who runs around with a purity ring on, so just bear with me. Any youth group kid has probably seen one of these before:
“Alright, now sign these cards promising Jesus you’ll be good….and if you’re not then HELLFIRE AWAITS”
“Alright, now sign these cards promising Jesus you’ll be good… and if you’re not then HELLFIRE AWAITS.”
I really hate these stupid cards. Not because the virtues they encourage are wrong (the virtue of chastity is beautiful and necessary, in fact), but because they have a knack of causing an unwarranted amount of shame. I’ve lost count of how often I find one of these little bits of paper discretely floating between pages of a book or stuck at the bottom of a drawer. Every time I think, “Well shit. I failed on that one. And that one. And that one.” And the demonic lies come creeping back into my consciousness:
“YOU’LL NEVER BE FREE.”
“YOU ARE YOUR ADDICTION.”
“YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE STUCK IN THIS.”
“YOU’RE TOO MUCH FOR ANY MAN TO LOVE.”
“WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD MARRY YOU?”
Addiction doesn’t work in a “from this day forward” mindset. Addiction works in a “one day at a time” mindset. A “culture of purity” does not foster a culture of forgiveness, and forgiveness is crucial in this battle, especially forgiveness of self. A pledge card or purity ring won’t make me chaste, but it will serve as a personal reminder that this battle sucks and that I fail all the time. I never sought help because I believed that I was broken, damaged goods. I was convinced that everyone was out there living their pure life while I was hiding behind a laptop, getting high on my secret drug. But by the sheer number of emails I’ve gotten in the last month – from friends and strangers alike – I know that the battle against pornography and masturbation is commonplace, to a degree that most of us fear to admit. The enemy has masked a spirit of fear within the guise of purity culture; a fear that says I will be rejected for bringing my wounded self to light; a fear that says I deserve to be abandoned by love; a fear that says I am beyond all mercy, forgiveness, or repair.
BUT I WILL RENOUNCE FEAR.
So what does the alternative look like? Pursuing chastity (the integration of my sexuality, properly ordered, within the wholeness of my being), and at the same time knowing that it’s okay to struggle. Embracing forgiveness when I fall, and claiming freedom one moment at a time upon standing up. Acknowledging my weakness, and also recognizing my strength. Knowing that my worth does not come from how many days I have been clean, but from the mere reality that I exist by love and for love, regardless of my circumstances.
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MY NAME IS CHIARA (that’s kee-AH-ruh)
Hardcore Catholic, perpetual student, coffee snob, and music lover.
I spend most of my time making art, watching Harry Potter,
reading psychological case studies, or teaching a bunch of hormonal
teenagers about Jesus as a full-time youth minister.
belovedinwholearmor@gmail.com
RESPLENDENT DISARRAY 
Lovely job! Well thought out and so helpful for me in my struggles with these temptations. You have put my sentiments into writing and it’s a wonderful feeling! I’ll continue to pray for you!
Wow! What an amazing article! Thankyou for writing!
Thanks for sharing, but as a recovering Catholic who still respects the church but no longer is practicing, I have definitely felt the backlash of the purity movement. However. Thinking back to your earlier post, I know a lot of people have struggled with porn and masturbation, but while many people have felt shame and damage from it, I know of a great handful of people who just stopped obsessing over it and don’t feel nearly as addicted to it as they did when they thought they were going to hell for it. Similar to how when you’re on a diet and can’t eat cake so all you think about is cake; what if we just lessened the sinful burden of masturbation and thought of it as “normal,” (cuz it is.) I feel like by obsessing over it instead of accepting it as a natural phenomena that will come and go (and you can do it if you want or not do it at all), it makes it less sensational and less likely to be obsessed over. I know that’s not necessarily how addiction works if you’re already at a point where you need the dopamine but I know of a lot of people who just let it go and accepted that it was fine and now they’re not haunted by it because it’s a normal, everyday thing. Like apples. Everyone wants apples they can’t have but they don’t think about eating them the moment they become available. I don’t know, call me a devils advocate (literally), but I gave up on the purity culture when I realized it did more harm than good.